Co-dependency and the dysfunctional couple: a study of frustration in the twenty-something American male

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So I'm continuing to wonder what ever happened to certain social norms, little courtesies that I don't notice when they're being practiced, but REALLY notice when they're not. And yes, I most certainly do have a specific incidence in mind. Thanks for asking.

So there's a coffee shop I like to frequent due to its power-packed duo of great Stumptown coffee and convenient proximity to my home in Portland. The Bipartisan Cafe is not one of those uber-trendy coffeetoriums wherein all patrons have carefully coiffed bed-head, wear the latest in anti-mainstream garb, listen to "indie" music on their iPhone which is syncing "This American Life" from their black MacBook. (Though I'm now one of those Mac users and just got some snazzy new trendy-looking glasses, so I'm teetering on the fence of hypocrisy. Fortunately I am good at balancing on narrow things like fences... Boy it's been a while since I allowed myself these sorts of rabbit trails. How I've missed them... And the usage of three consecutive periods... Over... And... Over...) So most days after work, I stop by Bipartisan for a cup of coffee with my laptop and decompress for a couple hours by emailing, chatting, and simply wasting time before I head home for dinner. It's an enjoyable and relaxing time that I can either use to accomplish real tasks or just waste time. Well, it's enjoyable UNTIL this one particular couple comes in.

I don't know these people, names or anything, but somehow they often end up sitting in a nearby table. Mind you, I may complain in my blog about certain people, but generally it's pretty tongue-in-cheek. These things don't really bother me for the most part. It's just fun to play the sarcastic curmudgeon. (I've discovered, though, that in certain Christian circles, talking about people like this can all be excused with one little phrase: "Bless his/her/their heart," though I'm not convinced of the true totality of forgiveness afforded by one phrase.) However, these two people actually DO bother me a bit, which will make playing the sarcastic curmudgeon a little more natural. So the man in this couple is probably in his late fifties, early sixties, with a lefty earring, slicked back mostly-gray hair, and a short-cut gray goatee. One of those guys who wears intentionally-faded tee shirts under an unbuttoned button-up shirt. Kind of a greasy, smooth-talking playboy. The female counterpart looks to be in her mid to late thirties, business casual, usually looks like she had just come off of a day at work, something office-related. Not a completely unlikely pair despite what appears to be a significant age discrepancy between them. They LOOK like they'd just come in for come coffee and chit chat.

So on a typical day they're in there, like the other day, they'll come in, order their caffeinated drinks and sit obnoxiously close to my table... and proceed to make-out for a minute or so. Now, I don't know when THAT became socially acceptable, let alone Dayn-acceptable in such close proximity. So they go at it for a while, not Dayn- acceptable, then share within-earshot-sweet-nothings talking with their faces fractions away from each other, undoubtedly staring passionately into each other's eyes. All of this at a convenient distance of three feet, or within throwing-up distance, if you prefer a relative term.

After this time of greeting, they settle into a dialogue about the matters of the day. Yesterday, for example, I got to hear a discussion about how on their last bike ride, her bike seemed to be broken, and he kept leaving her in the dust, making her paranoid that he was going to forget she was biking behind him altogether. This discussion never quite becomes heated, but gets awfully close as she grows more and more frustrated with him and the bike she had been riding. This is certainly the adult conversation I would expect from the grandpa-granddaughter lovers sitting within my shared-bodyheat-zone. So then, when she's expressing any sort of frustration, he leans in and erases her anxiety by initiating another make-out session. Good grief. Tantamount pictures presents, in association with Awkward Proximity Pictures, "Healthy Relations 101." On that same day, the conversation took an ironic turn as the two of them discussed a twenty-something couple they know who were a little too "lovey dovey" in a dinner party kind of setting, which was obviously due to their immaturity, being so young, you know. (I've had this discussion before, but there really should be a type-setting which denotes sarcasm. Come on English language!)

Anyway, this goes on for an hour or so, long enough to negate any sort of relaxation I may have achieved in my after work decompression time. I just don't understand when this all became standard behavior for anyone. Obnoxious and just a little creepy. Nothing like watching two middle-aged co-dependents not communicate, unless they can somehow speak through their saliva. Gross. Bless their hearts.