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So, in preface to what may be a silly blog, I must first confide that I am currently watching "Waiting for Guffman," my all-time favorite comedy, and a film I haven't watched in a ridiculously long time. So if there is a perceptible air of disjointedness , it's all Christopher Guest's fault. Fie on his comic genius.
So over the last month or so I've been going to an osteopathic doctor. Apparently my cycle is merging with all the females I work with, which is wreaking havoc on my school's plumbing. We still haven't figured out who the alpha female is, and why my levels of estrogen are so high. (Aaaaand a hop skip and a jump back off the first of many ridiculous rabbit trails, back on to the beaten path.) So actually I've had back problems for the last few years which usually culminate in severe stabbing pain in my lower back for a week or so, and after two weeks I'm mostly back to normal. Anyway, I wanted to see what was causing the problem, and after multiple adjustments and x-rays a conclusion has been drawn: I have a short leg. My right leg is between half and three-quarters of an inch shorter than the other. ("Stool boom, from the parlor to the pool room..." ah Guffman) So this short leg has thrown off my alignment, which gets severely aggravated every 6 months or so. The x-rays also said my back has a severe arch, which means I have to change the way I sit and stand and walk and if I found any joy in dancing that would have to change too. So yesterday I got a lift put in my shoe, which feels strange but I can feel things are straighter, so it's all good. But I can't help thinking I should be able to just live with my short leg and hunchback. And now I shall explore those thoughts.
So maybe I should make a living walking along hillsides, making sure my right leg was always the upper leg as I traversed the side of each hill. That would mean that only half of a two-way trip would have to be done in reverse, which isn't that bad. Yes, perhaps hillside dwelling is for me. That, or maybe I should invest in slightly-askew possibly condemned homes just so my right leg can sit in higher ground. And as for my being a hunchback, I should look for large places of worship who have openings for bell-ringers or bell-technicians, as long as their foundations are ever-so-slightly off-kilter. Yes. Quasidayngo shall henceforth be my moniker. So if any of y'all know of any openings for aforementioned job positions, let me know as soon as possible. My life may depend on it. Or at least my back will.
4 comments:
I hear that V8 is looking for male models. It's worth a shot.
You might want to investigate ancient torture devices meant to stretch people's legs. You would only have to hook up one leg, so I can't imagine it to be that bad. And nowadays we know more about positive thinking, meditative zen thinking, and other psychological overrides than they did way back when, so I'll bet you could endure.
[brief intermission from commenting]
Um, I started a google research of my own on this topic but quickly called it to a halt. Maybe you'd better stick to a shoe insert.
Dayn -
Jason read your blog independently of me and is asking why they couldn't just put a shim in your hip socket. It would hurt, but at least it would cost a lot more than shoe inserts.
He also appreciated the nod to the animal behavior concept of estrous and menstrual cycle synchronization.
I like that you're writing for Jason, which is somewhat necessary because even if it were him writing, the comments would be left under the name Lori and all credit would automatically have been deferred to her. Also, I really enjoy the hip-socket idea. I'll suggest that to the doctor when next I see him.
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